Living an authentic life means you are aligned with your values. We all have 5-10 top values, that influence our decisions. I don’t mean religious or political values per se, but more comprehensive: integrity, beauty, freedom, inspiration, etc. For a more complete list of values, go here.
I invite you to review this list and pick out your top ten, then your top 5. Take those top 5 and determine how often your decisions and actions are in alignment with them. If you notice that your decisions and actions are not in alignment with these top 5-10 values, you aren’t being true to yourself.
I invite you to review this list and pick out your top ten, then your top 5. Take those top 5 and determine how often your decisions and actions are in alignment with them. If you notice that your decisions and actions are not in alignment with these top 5-10 values, you aren’t being true to yourself.
Why We Negate Our Values
If these values are so important to us, why would we even consider not honoring them all the time? Society and culture jump in when we are young and get in the way of these values. People-pleasing becomes the ‘safer’ option. We, as human beings, are so wired for connection with others, we compromise our values for the sake of being accepted and liked. However, over time, compromising your values causes a life in conflict and minimizes (or eliminates) peace. When we throw ourselves under the bus in order to please others, we are not being true to ourselves and what we believe in.
What Does Not Honoring Your Values Look Like?
In a recent coaching session, a client of mine expressed regret for not having a more direct conversation with a supervisor. She had observed a tense and unproductive situation and wanted to share her perspective, but it felt confrontational and she didn’t want to create an even more tense situation that caused anxiety and discomfort afterwards. She wanted to be polite and respectful, but was also having trouble seeing past her opinions of him as a poor, ineffective and disrespectful leader. She decided to not say anything, but stewed on that decision the whole night and the next day.
As I coached her on this topic, we learned she had values she wanted to honor, such as integrity, respect, commitment, and making things better, but they were misdirected. By that I mean that she was directing those values at the organization, rather than herself. She was struggling to honor her commitment and integrity by not giving up when the going gets tough. In essence, she was choosing to follow these values by people pleasing, rather than honor them towards herself. Showing respect and integrity to herself would have been to remove herself from a toxic situation.
Once she saw this perspective and realized the power of staying true to herself (even if it is uncomfortable!), I could see she felt much more at peace, and was ready to approach the situation with more compassion.
Essentially, if you aren’t showing integrity to yourself, you are not really honoring the value of integrity. She discovered she could respect herself AND her supervisor by initiating a conversation and expressing her observations, but acknowledging his perspective as well. She could honor integrity by bowing out of this organization in a professional way. If it ‘ain’t working’, you aren’t doing anyone any favors by forcing yourself to stay. When you know your values and make decisions based on honoring those values (utmost to yourself, but then to others), you are living a life of authenticity.
As I coached her on this topic, we learned she had values she wanted to honor, such as integrity, respect, commitment, and making things better, but they were misdirected. By that I mean that she was directing those values at the organization, rather than herself. She was struggling to honor her commitment and integrity by not giving up when the going gets tough. In essence, she was choosing to follow these values by people pleasing, rather than honor them towards herself. Showing respect and integrity to herself would have been to remove herself from a toxic situation.
Once she saw this perspective and realized the power of staying true to herself (even if it is uncomfortable!), I could see she felt much more at peace, and was ready to approach the situation with more compassion.
Essentially, if you aren’t showing integrity to yourself, you are not really honoring the value of integrity. She discovered she could respect herself AND her supervisor by initiating a conversation and expressing her observations, but acknowledging his perspective as well. She could honor integrity by bowing out of this organization in a professional way. If it ‘ain’t working’, you aren’t doing anyone any favors by forcing yourself to stay. When you know your values and make decisions based on honoring those values (utmost to yourself, but then to others), you are living a life of authenticity.
Ask Yourself These Questions
- Where am I doing something because I feel like I should do it?
- If (insert value here) is one of my top 5 values, do I honor what (this value) means to me in my daily life?
- Do I believe it is even possible to honor this value in my life?
How Life Coaching Helps
Not being authentic to your values causes a lot of inner turmoil and unhappiness, but it doesn’t have to be that way. This is where working with a Life Coach is helpful. A coach first helps you discover your top 5-10 values in detail. Then the coach inquires where in your life you are honoring or not honoring those values. At this point you are at awareness and choice. If one of your values is freedom, what does living a life of freedom look like to you? Does it mean never having children or being married? Travelling all over the world? Owning your own business or working in a career with lots of flexibility? Does it mean living by yourself? What our values are and how we live and honor them is completely unique to each of us. The key is gaining awareness and clarity on what that looks like. Working with a life coach facilitates getting to this clarity faster and easier than many of us can do on our own.
Are you ready to discover your values? Contact me for a free one-hour coaching session and I will get you started. It will be well worth your time.
Photo credit: Balancing Rocks by Viewminder via Creative Commons License Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.0
Are you ready to discover your values? Contact me for a free one-hour coaching session and I will get you started. It will be well worth your time.
Photo credit: Balancing Rocks by Viewminder via Creative Commons License Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.0
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