Books to read: The Untethered soul

Do you find yourself angry or frustrated by what someone does or says to you?  Does it make you so angry you find yourself thinking about it constantly?  Do you wish it never happened, because then you wouldn't have to feel this way? Do you end up analyzing the occurrence over and over again?  

We have all been there--it's no fun.  When an event triggers us and we get upset, our typical M.O. is to resist the feelings or try to avoid them by distraction.  It's pain--and we don't want to feel it.  Instead, we blame the other person/event for causing it.  

"The Untethered Soul" written by Michael Singer, offers a simple, but effective solution. Oprah was so taken by this book, she featured Mr. Singer on her network (and that is how I discovered it).

Be Aware of the Incessant voice

Singer leads you into awareness of the incessant voice in your head.  The one who creates all sorts of chatter when you are upset: 

• "It shouldn't have happened"
  
• Avoid that person from now on"
  
• "What that person did was wrong"
  
• "If that person would act differently or change, I would feel at peace"
  
• "That person is a jerk"  

If you objectively examine all these statements, are they actually helpful?  In reality, they are just blame statements.  We think they make us feel better, but we end up not really living.  If we know this mind chatter hurts us, then why would we listen to it?  Singer brings up a brilliant point here:  he states, "You will come to see that the mind talks all the time because you gave it a job to do.  You use it as a protection mechanism, a form of defense.  Ultimately, it makes you feel more secure...you use the mind to buffer yourself from life, instead of living it."  Instead of just feeling the emotions/pain and allowing them to be present, we ask the mind to figure out a way for us to avoid the emotions/pain.  But, the mind can't do this, hence why it doesn't work.  We've essentially given our minds an impossible task of changing other people's actions.  

3 Steps to Empowerment

Then what do you do about it? Just be a victim? Nope. 

There's a way to empower yourself here and heal. These triggering events stimulate what Singer calls "Thorns."  In order to release the thorns, you need to:  

1. Be aware of them
   
2. Experience the pain of the thorn
   
3. Allow the pain to pass through you

It requires a willingness of being aware and being present. It's going to be uncomfortable (especially at first if you have been diligent about avoiding). But slowly you will learn to be present with the pain. And realize the avoidance of the pain is worse then the pain itself (contrary to what the mind tells you).  As you allow this process to unfold, eventually the thorns will extract themselves and you won't feel the emotional pain anymore.

Practice, Practice, Practice

This process works, but it requires a willingness to practice, over-and-over again, and fail many times.  Seek out compassion and patience with yourself while your practice.  Try your best to deflect pain avoidance techniques like beating yourself up.  "The Untethered Soul" is a quick/easy read with short chapters--you can purchase it on Amazon.  It will help you through this process.  Again, the key point is PRACTICE.  Set up a structure, a reminder system, hire a life coach.  I not only hired a coach to help me through this, but read a chapter daily (there are 19) and once I finished, I started over again.  I did this for 10 cycles.  In addition, working with my coach-helped me process the learning and offered accountability to keep me focused on the practice.   A successful structure looks different for everyone.   Find what works for you.  The reward will be momentous.